Saturday

Laurel visited...but with all of the not too dramatic drama in my life...regular classes starting and such...I looked forward to her visit as something which would happen at some point in the future...but I believe I had too many things going on and I did not look forward enough to her coming...but I just now was very tempted to Laurel-nap her and keep her...once she had to leave I got sad..."see you in 3 months"...now I really want to be home...sitting with my friends on my kitchen floor playing dreidle for New Years'...or playing an unending game of Uno...or sledding down Laurel's hill...disapearing down the hill towards the road...avoiding the hot tub...going over the bumpy ground near the pool...trying to fit four girls on one tube and the guys just laughing at us...in fact I miss snow in general...but I miss you guys more...I love my classes and schedual but I would really like to be at home again...I miss the cubbies we had in HS...not having to carry books around...I miss the dividers and the stage with our beautiful purple curtain...I remember our Fiddler set with love...and Myles' s many ad libs on stage in a high school careers worth of shows...I miss Jessica's accents which I will never be able to do myself...I miss knowing everyone and many of the people we had class and drama and other things with...as well as being happy to meet new people finally and not have to deal with many people...I love the buildings and resources available...that this much is for the taking at a school is incredible to me...students sign out vans and go on outings when ever they feel like it...we have this whole campus which is an arboritum to enjoy...but there is no point in having such wonders without your friends being there to enjoy them...as my friends are mostly seniors I will have to branch out a bit this semester...spend time at Talbet with Marquela, Molly and Emily...the seniors will be worrying about thier gaduation and work...not that I don't usually only think about work...do people hang out in groups of friends or in pairs here...you know so many people from different places in college that I think that it would be impossible to form a friend group...and grown ups don't have cliques so why should we...grown ups know different people from different places...I just realized that it must be weird to not see your friends everyday....more people don't work with their friends I'm thinking...so I don't want to be a grown up I have just decided..and I miss Katie as I remember that we have been friends since Kindergarden...I miss Myles's towering presence over us all...I miss Ashley's laugh, I miss Laurel's voice of reason...in short...I miss having people around who sometimes know me better than I know myself...talking with Laurel last night I was reminded of how amazing our group of friends is...of course some people prefer their own beds and so sleepovers with four of us don't usually happen...but we do so muc together...and it is just amazing how we know what to expect from eachother...though of course we always have to be prepared for someone to suprise us...What is quite interesting right now is that the emotional side of me is not sad...I think...it is the rational side...it's not like I can't help feeling a bit sad...well I can't but I'm not that sad...it's more of a contemplative thing...I auditioned for bell choir and didn't get in...they put me as an alternate....which is still good I guess...I'm trying to write without periods or commas...kind of like a poem in a paragraph...and I use commas a lot...but dots are useful too...today I can't decide whether I should only do my home work for monday or also for tuesday...and I have Havdalah at 5:30 pm and then I have to eat and I don't have a good contradancing skirt and I haven't gone in forever....the last time I went Laurel and I did not have fun because it was really hard and fast and we didn't want to dance with strangers...but my friends from the K and Talbet are going and I want to feel like I actually got out on a weekend...I also think that fear of new and challenging things and fear of messing up is a pathetic excuse for not doing something that I might really enjoy...I really want to go mostly to hear the band...should I bring my camera...Right now I really miss Vermont...I did and didn't want to be there over break...I didn't like hanging out with my parents and I missed the girls in my house...but now that I'm here I miss my house and my cats and my parents and my trees and I'm really desperate for a mountain...I'm also really in the mood to watch a movie but I don't know what movie and with whom...wait....I own some movies...but the ones I could hole up in my room with on my lap top I don't know if I feel like seeing...maybe I should transfer to a different school...would I be happier where I could bug one of you guys...but I do love my school...I hate transitions...I must be the world's worst transitioner...I can't wait till the semester really gets going and I just do my work without having time to contemplate everything...I should probably just get some friends...I just realized...I don't feel like anyone needs me...I miss you guys because I know I need you and you need me..we miss eachother...no one here really needs me...the girls I know at Talbet have each other and I feel bad calling them constantly so I can hang out with them...though one could hope they like hanging out with me too...and the people here are all older and have other friends and I'm just a little sister...they're worrying about what grad. school they're going to or when they're applying or what they are going to do when they graduate...I can't really help them...I know that when I wasn't at my house for extended periods of time they did miss me and wonder where I was...I went to NYC with my parents without telling anyone...but it's not the same...I'm always having to initiate contact...go look for someone to hang out with...though Lauren stops by when she's not busy sometimes and people say hello when they are coming up the stairs...no one ever hangs out in my room with me...it's always an impersonal hanging out session in the livingroom...there are people I know better than others but not by too much...we need more first years...but now it's too late...everyone will have friends already and no one needs me...I guess I am emotionally unhappy right now...maybe I should go bother Molly or Lauren...I've finally realized that as an only child I'm used to being really important...which helps me to not be able to handle not having close friends here...I really should move to Talbet...I love Parsons but if I am so stay here or in any school and stay sane I need to be where my friends are...but they eat at Lamont and I don't like the lack of warm Vegitarian options there...what else can I ramble about while I'm doing this and not doing HW...maybe I should go to Cutter-Z. and get a snack so I'm not starving by the time Havdalah ends...I have decided that while I agree with the idea that you have to taste the bitter to appreciate the sweet things in life...it sucks to be unhappy and so if you weren't ever really happy you would not notice when you were sad...if I never had friends I wouln't be sad when I didn't have them or wasn't with them...of course I'm a sane human being and I want friends...which is my difficulty...wahhh...I think I want to come home next weekend...but I have chorus on sunday...but class ends at 12:10 for me on friday so I could come home then and be home for two nights!!!!! Now I have something to look forward to!!!!! Maybe I can bring Marquela and Molly and Emily home with me...or Lauren too...but people have sports things to deal with...hummm...I really want to see Teddy and Tiger...well, actually, I could always come home tonight...get my home work done at home...see those of you who are home!!!! I've got to go...I need to call my house...